I'm 23 weeks into my pregnancy, and feeling her move more and more. Life is so precious. I never understood just how precious until now.
At my 10 week appointment I had an early sonogram because my doctor couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler ultrasound because my uterus is tipped. As I watched the screen, praying that our baby would be alive, I was overcome with excitement as I saw a little peanut with what looked like a face. I'll be honest, I was terrified about this upcoming change in our life... I often wondered if I could be selfless enough to be a good mom. The ultrasound tech found the heartbeat but left the room to go get my doctor. She came in the room with a concerned look on her face as she explained that there was a possibility that our baby did not develope a skull. I would have to wait 4 more weeks to find out for sure.
Four weeks later we found out that our baby has a condition called anencephaly, which is where the skull and part of the brain does not develop....meaning, without a miracle she will surely die. This news was devastating. As I sobbed all the way home, my heart was so heavy with grief, I thought "how could this happen?" A few days later we went and saw a specialist who confirmed that my doctor was right and that there was no skull. There we were faced with the option to terminate the pregnancy... I knew that it was a matter of time before it came up. But I knew that this is not what God wanted from me and that I must obey. I wasn't sure how I was going to do this... carry a baby for five and half more months knowing that she will die without a skull. But I knew/know in my heart that no matter what, God is good. That is why we decided to name her Tobi, which means God is good. So whenever we think of her we will be reminded of His goodness and glorify Him.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant my prayer for our child was that he/she would love Jesus more than anyone or anything. I know this will be true! My sweet husband, Jon, reminded me that even if God chooses not to heal her we will be parents for eternity, and that is something to rejoice over. She will spend eternity with her savior. We still desire more than anything that God would heal our baby girl, and pray for that daily. We ask that you would do the same. Jesus healed so many while he was alive and continues to do so even now... I believe this with all of my heart! Jon and I will pray for healing until He tells us to stop or gives us the desire of our hearts.
I am blown away by God's mercy and grace and how even in this time He is covering me with His love and peace.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "for your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:35- 39
give me faith to move moutains
give me faith to move moutains
You don't know me, but I have known your parents since the Home Mission Board years. After reading your mom's post on facebook I decided to come and read your blog. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, your parents have raise an amazing young woman. Know that life is eternal and love is immortal, your husband is so right. I try to walk every morning and during that time I lift my prayers request to our Lord, know that you and your family will be in that list.
ReplyDeleteFrom the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2
Hi. I know you don't know me but this morning you were lifted up in my prayer circle and when I heard about you I knew I had to speak with you. My name is Courtney and I am 22. I just graduated from Ohio State with my B.A and I'm going back to get my MSW. I say all of this because my very existence is proof that God is still in the business of Miracles. My mom was told by many doctors she would never have children. When she was pregnant with me (her 2nd child) she was asked to abort me because my head and brain were not developing as they should and if I lived at all I would be severely to profoundly retarded. She said she asked God for a daughter and however He made me she would care for me. Each check up they told her nothing had improved but she was determined to have me and accept me no matter what. One of her last check ups with me was recorded on VHS and all you hear are doctors and nurses saying "that can't be right do it again, do it again". At that check up they discovered "somehow" my brain and skull had developed to the right shape and size with no evidence of any damage. The doctors said I would be retarded, but quite the opposite I have always been intellectually above average if not gifted. I won't say the doctors were wrong, but I will say God had other plans.
ReplyDeleteThat's my story. I don't know the plans God has for you or for Tobi but I know He will use this experience to express to you and through you His love, and Awesome Power. Always remember in John 9:3 when Jesus heals a blind man and says he is not blind because of his sins or his parents sins but so that the Glory of the Lord would be revealed in him. Sometimes it takes a lot of work, a lot of faith, and even a lot of tears for the Glory of God to be revealed through you but know that it is always worth it.
My mother and I are praying for you and your family always. In Love,
Courtney
Blessings! I was forwarded your blog this morning from a friend at my church in kingwood, texas. She shared that your story and journey reminded her of ours, as we carried a full term fatal diagnosis pregnancy, a baby girl who had trisomy 18. I have since felt an undeniable call to walk with and support other families/mommies who walk a similar path. I found tremendous support in the blog world so I hope you will browse some of the blogs/families I follow. Many are anencephaly moms. I also hope you'll feel the prayers and support of your family and friends and community. Truly, I never felt closer to The Lord than when I was pregnant with my Cana. So much grace from God is waiting for us when we are living a complete surrender in hope and joy, even in the suffering. Someone once shared that joy and suffering are NOT contradictory Joy CAN BE FOUND IN suffering. Just look at the cross! What JOY! What GLORY! Peace be with you always! www.milbrandts.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteSo glad you started a blog. Welcome :)! I to have a horrible memory, so I use it as my modern day scrapbook.
ReplyDeleteI have been praying for you, Jon and Tobi pretty much everyday. I will continue to pray.
I am here if you need anything!