I'm 23 weeks into my pregnancy, and feeling her move more and more. Life is so precious. I never understood just how precious until now.
At my 10 week appointment I had an early sonogram because my doctor couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler ultrasound because my uterus is tipped. As I watched the screen, praying that our baby would be alive, I was overcome with excitement as I saw a little peanut with what looked like a face. I'll be honest, I was terrified about this upcoming change in our life... I often wondered if I could be selfless enough to be a good mom. The ultrasound tech found the heartbeat but left the room to go get my doctor. She came in the room with a concerned look on her face as she explained that there was a possibility that our baby did not develope a skull. I would have to wait 4 more weeks to find out for sure.
Four weeks later we found out that our baby has a condition called anencephaly, which is where the skull and part of the brain does not develop....meaning, without a miracle she will surely die. This news was devastating. As I sobbed all the way home, my heart was so heavy with grief, I thought "how could this happen?" A few days later we went and saw a specialist who confirmed that my doctor was right and that there was no skull. There we were faced with the option to terminate the pregnancy... I knew that it was a matter of time before it came up. But I knew that this is not what God wanted from me and that I must obey. I wasn't sure how I was going to do this... carry a baby for five and half more months knowing that she will die without a skull. But I knew/know in my heart that no matter what, God is good. That is why we decided to name her Tobi, which means God is good. So whenever we think of her we will be reminded of His goodness and glorify Him.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant my prayer for our child was that he/she would love Jesus more than anyone or anything. I know this will be true! My sweet husband, Jon, reminded me that even if God chooses not to heal her we will be parents for eternity, and that is something to rejoice over. She will spend eternity with her savior. We still desire more than anything that God would heal our baby girl, and pray for that daily. We ask that you would do the same. Jesus healed so many while he was alive and continues to do so even now... I believe this with all of my heart! Jon and I will pray for healing until He tells us to stop or gives us the desire of our hearts.
I am blown away by God's mercy and grace and how even in this time He is covering me with His love and peace.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "for your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:35- 39
Monday, October 11, 2010
Life has changed drastically within the last few months and it has happen so quickly I thought it necessary for myself to start blogging. I have a horrible memory, so much so that I have very few clear memories from my childhood. Sad, I know. My grandma must have the same problem because she writes in a journal daily just to describe events and reflect on them... so this I guess will be my modern day journal.
first post will be coming soon...deciding what my first "real" blog post should be about.... so many choices!